Introductory Business

Hello there, and welcome to my project.

For those of you who don't know, I was clinically diagnosed with Bipolar type II disorder a year and a half ago. I'll explain what that means and how that all came about in a second, but for now, I'll just say that it's been, in a couple of words, a real big bitch, and it's time to start writing about it; it's time to start really documenting this experience, for both my own sake, but also for the sake of all those with similar issues who crave the luxury of being understood.

So what is Bipolar?

It's in the name: Bi meaning dos (two), and polar meaning poles, which can basically mean extremes. For the person carrying the weight of a bipolar diagnosis, life is lived in extremes - extreme happiness and high functioning (mania/manic), and then extreme depression, low functioning, and feelings of worthlessness. (Hence it's other surname, manic depression). There is no stability, no balance, no middle ground and, most importantly, no (or at least very little) control. It's a chemical problem for the most part, which is why a diagnosis almost always warrants immediate pharmacotherapy (drugs) coupled with very concentrated and disorder-specific therapy - typically a cognitive/behavioral approach. (Please welcome the psychology nerd coming out in me. I love this stuff.)

More than most psychological disorders of its caliber, Bipolar is best friends with stigma. It's been my experience that what people remember most about the disorder is that really crazy people have it - people who do really crazy, erratic things. Other than the aforementioned pole-switching behavior, Bipolar is synonymous with poor judgment and self-control, which means people with its symptoms can tend to be drug addicts, alcoholics, sex addicts, homeless and consistently unemployed. They have broken marriages, broken familial relationships, few real friends, and, when they're not in the euphoria of mania, they are absolutely and utterly miserable, which feeds a vicious cycle of patterned self-destructive behavior. It truly is terrible.

There are a number of famous bipolar cases, including Mark Twain and Winston Churchill (you might have heard of them), as well as Kurt Vonnegut, Kurt Cobain, Jeff Buckley and Isaac Newton, Edgar Allen Poe, Van Gogh and Beethoven. (I'm in good company...) Unfortunately, almost all of these people led notoriously miserable lives. It makes perfect sense, though. The manic state is something else. It's extremely high functioning, which means that unbelievable (figurative) stuff can come out of you when you're there. Some of the best music I've written, the best writing I've done, the best photos I've taken, have come out of a period like that...

What makes the disorder so dangerous is that the person with bipolar doesn't have control over when the poles shift. It's like, you'll be flying high - feeling awesome, like you can do no wrong...like you can only do and create really incredible things - but you know it won't last, that in a few days time you'll be feeling like shit again, and for no good reason. Talk about robbing you of your dignity, as well as any existential security that comes from having some semblance of self control in your life. And this often leads to suicide. I think, in fact, that bipolar is considered the most lethal of all psychological disorders because a significant number of its cases end up committing suicide, especially those left untreated. That's why proper diagnosis and prompt treatment are priority in potential bipolar cases.

Finally, there are two types of the disorder. Type one being what I described above, and type two (my diagnosis), which is essentially a more mild version of the first type. Type two manifests more in the depressive state, with what they call hypomania replacing the pure mania of type one bipolar. In more tangible terms, someone with type two bipolar will appear clinically depressed (in fact, like 64% (or something) cases of type two end up getting misdiagnosed as unipolar depression.) but they'll have short periods of what seems like normal to higher level functioning, only to fall back into the depression.

This is what life looked like for me before I ended up with the diagnosis:

I would feel consistently depressed, including extreme feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing, hopelessness, meaninglessness, as well as a general lack of motivation to do anything but indulge in minor self-destructive activities. And when I say minor, I mean stuff that can potentially turn unhealthy, like eating a lot of snack food, or making out with my boyfriend for too long and too intensely considering a pretty serious commitment to premarital abstinence. Then, once a week or less, I'd start feeling really good. I'd have some really great and positive social interactions and my thoughts would go from "I'm worthless. No one likes me. Why should they? I'm never going to be what I want to be" to "I'm awesome. I'm really cool. I'm maybe the coolest person I know. A lot of people love me." That sounds laughable, but it's reality. That kind of self-loathing to grandiose shift in self perception is a hallmark of the disorder. So, all the while I'm feeling awesome about myself, I'm being really productive, feeling great, so happy to finally not hating myself for once, I know in the back of my mind that there's a pattern, and that soon, maybe tomorrow even, I'm going to start feeling bad again.

Type two is a deceptive, elusive and discrete disorder, as it often does not appear to be what it is, and is therefore extremely difficult to diagnose and treat. Type two sufferers are statistically more likely to commit suicide than type one for this very reason, and, unlike type one, type two people can often seem pretty normal, holding down jobs, and maintaining relatively healthy relationships. Psychologists are becoming more acutely aware of this as a public health issue.

I'd like to make it clear that i'm not doing this as a "feel sorry for me, i have an awful disease" type of outlet...no. This is more therapeutic for me, and I think interesting and educational for anyone who knows me or someone else with it. It's a way for me to digest what happens to me on a daily basis, and put that within this bipolar context so I can have a more accurate view of myself and the world, and hopefully offer that same view to the people who need that from me the most. So that's it. I hope you'll stay tuned and communicate with me when you want to.

Probably to be discussed next:
Medical treatment, causes and some more personal philosophical meandering.

Thankssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.
Caitlin